Who ARE These People?

In the last post I discussed the problem of griefers and trollers in Second Life, and how they can seriously diminish the enjoyment of others. And yet, however annoying these people might be, they rarely rise above the level of 'annoying'. A much bigger problem is the friends you make in Second Life, who might not be as good of friends as you think they are.

When we meet people in real life, we usually evaluate them in some sort of social context. We gravitate towards people who are similar to ourselves in terms of values, education, and social status. This isn't to say that we never venture outside of our social circles. It is only to say that a friendship or a relationship has a much better chance of succeeding if you share similar values. In fact, dating and matchmaking websites often use this premise as the basis for finding matches.

Unfortunately, when you meet an anonymous person in Second Life, you do not have access to this information. If you met this same person in real life your warning alarms might go off and you might well get away as quickly as you can. But, since you don't have this information, you lower your guard and get to know the person a little better. This is not entirely a bad thing. You get to meet some lovely people that you might otherwise never get to know in real life because they have some social markers that would cause you to avoid them. However, some social markers can be very important.

At a superficial level you may get along fine. You might even find it very interesting to get to know somebody who is unlike anyone you have ever met before. You might even become very good friends. And then once you have invested in a friendship or a relationship you find out that this person is nothing like you thought they would be. They may not even be a 'bad' person. They may just hold different values than you hold with regard to simple things like loyalty, trust, obligations in a friendship and so on. Before you know it, they have done something horrible, from your perspective, like betrayed a confidence, talked behind your back, failed to hold up their end of the relationship, or some similar violation.

I have heard time and time again from people who have read my note cards at Cosmos Academy and IM'd me about this kind of experience. This can be innocent and benign and yet painful. Two people may have very different standards of acceptable behavior. Their guards were down. The values collided and somebody got hurt. This is unfortunate and unpleasant. And it arises from not knowing who you are dealing with.

But, it can be much worse. What if the problem is not just a collision of values. What if the other person is bitter about their role in life; vindictive from past failed relationships, sociopathic, or just has an axe to grind about life. Then it can really get ugly and that will be the topic of the next post.